The Chef's Cut
by Ififall
Summary: Damages/Shallow Grave/Nick Diaz Crossover. Jerry Boorman and David are living together. When Howard Eriksson has a trunk load of hidden cash can Jerry keep all of it?


A/N: Strong Language.

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How long had he been living up here? It had been a week, but it felt like years. Jerry was not going to give up. He knew him. He was gonna charm his way up here like a snake, then wrap himself around David and strangle him. In the beginning it was heaven. It always was at the beginning. David and Jerry had been looking for a flat-mate. They spent enough time busting meek people's balls and diagnosing women with fake pregnancies.

"I'm sorry Mam, but if you're "_expecting"_ you'll have to go somewhere else. This ain't a crèche" Jerry said.

"Mr Boorman, I'm not pregnant" Miss Cavanagh said.

"Well Miss C, you're never _gonna_ be if a guy doesn't know whether to fuck you or pop you like a balloon" Jerry replied. "God Jerry, you're too much" David said watching Miss Cavanagh drive off open mouthed. "Admit it Davey-boy, you love it. Spaghetti Bolognese or Spicy Chicken Tagliatelle?" Jerry asked. Jerry was one hell of a cook. He cooked everything from scratch and every time the meals were amazing. Jerry's home-made cereal bars where baking in the oven when they saw a new guy that wanted the room. This guy looked loaded. Tailored clothing, fresh hair cut, stylish briefcase. "I work twenty four seven and I need a place to crash while a gold-digging bitch tries to take all my money" Mr Howard Eriksson said.

"Mr Eriksson how soon can you move in?" Jerry asked. "Jerry we need to think about this" David said after Howard had gone and they were snaking on his cereal bars. "If he's getting divorced he's not going to have any money left" "If he gets broke, we have every reason to kick him out" Jerry said. "Think of money he could bring in" Jerry said. David gave in and Howard moved in on Monday. By Friday they found him dead. Naked in Jerry's lucky sheets. "Fuck" Said Jerry. "I knew it...I told you something was off...about him" David said. "Don't get your thong in a twist Davey, just call the police...or the ambulance" Jerry said.

The paramedics thought Howard had died from a heart attack. It took four men to lift the huge man on a stretcher. They gave the police Howard's phone book so they could contact his friends and family. The next day they took their lunch breaks at home to pack Howard's stuff so that if could be carted off by the police. Howard seemed like the real deal as the men began packing his things away in a bin-bag. "Do you think it was because of his weight?" David asked. "I mean I don't like speaking ill of the dead, but Howard was overweight by medical standards" "Could be...or because of this?" Jerry said as he put a bag around his hand and picked up the needle.

"Shit" Said David. "Save that for the police" he said. Jerry chucked the syringe on a bag unsure. David looked for anything under the bed and pulled out another suitcase. It looked old battered and dusty. "What do we have here?" Jerry said as David put the suitcase on the bed. He clicked it opened and the latch sprung apart. "Holy crap" Jerry said looking at the notes stacked in elastic bundles. "You know it's dodgy money when it's hidden" Jerry said "Well the police can sort that out" David said shutting it and moving the suitcase towards the door.

"Woah...we...wait" Jerry said looking at the suitcase then the syringe. Do we want Howard Eriksson's friends and family to know that he was a crooked junkie?" Jerry asked. "Either way his family get the money" David said. "We can give them the clothes Davey, nothing else" Jerry said. David looked around him picking up clothes. "Jerry the money isn't ours everything goes to the police" David said as he picked up a new black T-shirt with someone's name on it. "Oh, this looks nice" David said holding it up against his chest. It looked to small to be Howard's. David was sure that Howard wouldn't mind the loss of one new T-shirt.

"So it's okay to wear a dead man's wardrobe is it?" Jerry asked. "Jerry there's one T-shirt and then there's taking his family's future. Think about Howard's grandkids. That money belongs to his family" David said. "Howard's money belonging to his family?" Jerry asked. "Davey will you listen to yourself" Jerry said. "If you're keeping the T-shirt I'm keeping the money" Jerry said. David didn't want to argue with Jerry. They packed Howard's clothes and kept quiet about the money. Jerry said that he'd keep the money with him. David asked if he could go in his room to keep an eye on the money three times a week. Jerry told him to fuck off, but David was going to check on the money behind his back.

After work David changed into Howard's T shirt. He went to the corner shop to get bread milk and raisins. Jerry was going to try his hand at home-made bread and butter pudding. He was thinking about getting flour when he noticed some guy staring at his shirt. He walked up to the guy hoping that this was some kind of come on. "You a fan of this Nick Diaz too?" He said pointing at the shirt. "Dude I'am that guy" Nick said pointing to the shirt. "Oh Oh...you've got a hat on, I...couldn't see you" David said turning red. "I'm...I'll just buy these" David said pointing to his food and sheepishly walking away.

When he'd put the food away he took the T-shirt off and looked up the name "Nick Diaz" on the internet. "Jerry do you know anything about MMA?" David asked. "What? Miracle Midwest Abortions?" Jerry teased. "MMA stands for Mixed Martial Arts" Jerry" David corrected. "That name on Howard's T-shirt, he's a real in person, he's fighting for a living. He's doing MMA all over the place. I should have asked for his autograph or something" David said. "You're not inviting him here Davey" Jerry said. "Did I...did I say that? Or think it?" David asked. "Jerry calm down and spend Howard's thousands" David said.

"So that I can get caught by police? Nice try" Jerry said greasing the oven container. Jerry didn't intend on spending the money, not yet. It was too soon. He had to wait and if that meant he was baking his own bread pudding and getting cheap skimmed milk, then so be it. While Jerry was baking at the oven David went to see if the money was still in Jerry's room. He'd have to get a hold of it one day. He looked under the bed and in Jerry's wardrobe. "Well, well well, what are you looking for?" Jerry asked.

"Just checking for umm...your fire alarm, you really should umm...put one up...for safety" David said. "You should be thinking about your own safety Davey" Jerry said as he walked back out. David joined him a second later. He was embarrassed but what could Jerry expect? With all that money he was going to become a target. If not from David then by someone else. "I'll tell you what I'll order a "Nick Diaz MMA DVD" and you can return the favour by telling me what the fuck you were doing in my room?" Jerry asked. "I don't think you can resist temptation Jerry" David told him. "That money isn't yours and it's gonna get us into trouble" David said. "It won't, if you mind your own fucking business" Jerry said. The beep of the oven went off and Jerry rubbed his hands together.

"Come on Davey bread pudding time...do you want custard or cream?" Jerry asked David.


End file.
